the surprising ways narcissists really see the people around them

As researchers study how narcissists truly see the world, they're learning a lot of new things about their views of others' competence and humility.

We tend to like people who are humble and empathetic. Every major value system that we preach passionately extolls these virtues, even if we don’t actually practice either of them as often as we should. So, what happens when you deal with people in whose eyes basic social norms are mere excuses for weaklings who just can’t cut it in life? Unlike them, those who are destined for history books, who rarely, if ever, make mistakes, and don’t need to be bound by the same constraints as the rest of society because they’re special. Bigger. Louder. Smarter. More valuable than most because they’re so amazing and meant for important things. Like running the world.

Ever since a certain orange malignant narcissist and his coterie of minions spent the last eight years trying to subjugate a global superpower to his whims while torturing a vast swath of the world with his temper tantrums, researchers have started doing a lot more research into the condition and what happens to those afflicted with it. Or, if we wanted to be more accurate, those who afflict us with this condition. How do they see us and the world around them? Does their self-worship turn them into sociopaths who loathe and fear others? Is there something else going on? Does narcissism have limits, and does it necessarily result in antisocial co-morbidities?

what exactly is a narcissist?

Before we go any further, we have to note that narcissism is a spectrum, not a binary. You want to have some degree of self-appreciation not to be a human doormat. You also become less narcissistic with age as you learn and accept your limitations. We’re also wired to shield our psyche and maintain a generally positive self-view even when we do morally questionable things. None of this is a problem. But it can become one if that generally positive self-image turns into obsessive self-involvement and complete disregard for other people or how your actions affect them. It will become malignant if that mere disregard turns into abuse and manipulation for your satisfaction.

So, you’re probably not a narcissist if you think you’re doing a good job at work, play a decent game of ping pong, and should be treated with basic respect. If anything, you are a mentally healthy and well-balanced person. However, if you think you’re special and owed unlimited power, success, and constant admiration, and that you could only be fully understood and appreciated by powerful, high-status people because you’re so special, think others are plotting against you and don’t even consider how they will feel if you exploit them for self-gain because they’re not as special as you, then yeah, you are most definitely a full-blown, raging narcissist.

how exactly do narcissists see others?

Yet, here’s the question. Do full-blown, raging narcissists see others as simply not as special and important as them, do they actively look down on others, or do they only care about others’ competence when they have to interact with them? To find out, we can look at two studies, one from Poland and another from California. The first looked at how narcissists see people who reject them. The second, how they view shows of humility and graciousness from others. Both find that narcissists don’t actively hate others, but that their opinions seemed largely based on how said others treat them, and that they may even have genuine admiration for those who aren’t them.

As it so turns out, when narcissists feel rejected by others because their ideas either get shot down or are ridiculed, or they don’t get what they want, they predictably rate the person who rejected them as less intelligent, less empathetic, and less sociable. If they feel like they were accepted and received a pat on the back, the superlatives will flow freely. They also believed that no matter how they shared their expertise, others would perceive them as intellectually humble — i.e. openly admitting their limitations and signaling openness to learn more — indicating a profound lack of self-awareness on their part. No big surprises there.

how narcissists warp humility into irrelevance

Where we do have interesting new findings is in how those higher on the narcissism spectrum view displays of humility, as well as how they define the trait. Basically, were you to explain something to them and acknowledge the limitations of your expertise, they’d think you’re overdoing it. If you were to instead act with intellectual arrogance and say things like “I know a lot, so listen up,” they wouldn’t rate the statement as an arrogant one in the first place. This, in turn, suggests that they can genuinely respect and admire someone who isn’t them, and even view their aggressive confidence as a positive trait especially when that person agrees with them.

Overall, the emerging picture is that narcissism isn’t marked by hostility to others, just disinterest and carelessness for other people’s feelings. Those who rank highly on the relevant spectrum don’t expect or believe demonstrations of humility and empathy by those around them, and don’t think of other narcissists as arrogant or unempathetic, projecting their own values in the process. They’ll exhibit active distaste for others or malicious behavior only if they feel crossed, rejected, or impeded from power, access, and fawning admirers. But the way many of them act more or less ensures that they’ll feel that way many times, and will double down on their pathological behaviors…

See: Zajenkowski, M., et al. (2023) I'm smart, you're dumb! Narcissistic admiration and rivalry correlate with self- and other-assessed intelligence, Personality and Individual Differences, DOI: 10.1016/j.paid.2023.112248

Huynh, A. et al. (2023) The fine line between intellectual humility and arrogance: Perceiving humility among the intellectually humble and narcissistic, The Journal of Positive Psychology, DOI: 10.1080/17439760.2023.2230455